The Pimp Cane of Lucius Malfoy
by Chiara SS
Summary: Lucius Malfoy loves his "Pimp Cane", and will do anything, and I mean anything to keep it safe from harm's way. *edited as of 5/18/2013*


**5/18/2013 - Yep. **

**Just wanted to edit this one, too. **

**Oh. By the way... if there are any people interested in reading this in Russian, it was translated a couple years back. All the links and other information are on my profile. Check it out! :) **

**Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

**The Pimp Cane of Lucius Malfoy**  
_By: Chiara SS_

* * *

"It's just an object, Lucy," Narcissa snapped. "It's like you care more about that stupid _stick _than you do me: your _wife!_"

His eyes widened. _Just an object? JUST AN OBJECT? Is that what she just said, _he thought to himself. Narcissa should have considered herself lucky that he hadn't heard the latter half of her sentence. He would've Avada'd her right then and there.

"Are you even _listening_ to me?" she asked in annoyance.

Lucius stared intently at his wife, glaring daggers. He shook his head angrily. "JUST AN OBJECT? JUST A BLOODY OBJECT! WHO THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, WOMAN! This _OBJECT _is my _PIMP CANE. _You _DARE _disrespect!?"

Narcissa stumbled back, a shocked expression crossing her face. She hadn't expected him to blow up like that. Narcissa hastily walked from the room, and closed the door swiftly behind her, leaving a fuming Lucius to take his anger out on a pillow.

"You _disrespected _it, didn't you?" Bellatrix asked with a smirk. She was sitting comfortably on a large, fluffy arm chair situated in the corner of the room.

"This stupid "pimp cane" is all he bloody cares about. One day, I'm just going to burn that horrid thing!" she replied angrily.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," said Bellatrix looking bored.

"Why not?"

Bellatrix pulled up her right sleeve, revealing a large black scar; similar looking, of course, to the Dark Mark branded on her left arm. That was what Narcissa had thought it was, originally. But as she inspected it more carefully, she realized that it spelled out, "don't mess with mah pimp cane!". Narcissa stared at the "tattoo" with wide eyes.

"It all started one day, when I was innocently torturing some horrid blood traitors," Bellatrix sighed happily. "I remember cackling evilly at wondrous sounds of the screams of complete and utter terror. It was music to my ears!"

Narcissa rolled her eyes. "Bella..."

Bellatrix waved her hand impatiently. "Anyways, dear old Lucius was _supposed _to be helping me, but he was no where to be found. Slowly, I lifted the curse. And that's when I heard it—a loud moan. At first I thought it was the blood traitors, but I was wrong. The sound seemed to be coming from behind an old willow tree. I walked over, and found your husband caressing the cane, talking to it as—"

"Get on with it!" Narcissa cried, exasperatedly.

"Let me finish, you wretch," Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "It's no wonder Lucius will never sleep with you anymore. All you do is interrupt, and nag nag nag!"

"At least _I _don't sleep with every man I meet," Narcissa retorted.

"Filthy wretch!" Bellatrix screamed, lunging at her youngest sister in outrage. Narcissa darted away just at the right moment, and ran out of the door in a hurry. She skidded down the winding staircase, her wand grasped tightly in her hand. She knew she needed to be prepared to block any spell or charm her sister had in store. Bellatrix followed closely behind her, screaming rude words causing the portraits hanging along the walls to shake their heads in disgust.

Once she finally caught up with her, she tackled her to the ground. Bellatrix put her wand to Narcissa's temple threateningly. "Say that _one_ more time..." she cried through gritted teeth.

Narcissa smirked. "Whore whore whore!" she sang.

"YOU SLUT, _CRUC—_"

"Expelliarmus!" Lucius screamed, disarming Bellatrix immediately. "Good job, caney!" he cooed to his pimp cane.

Narcissa and Bellatrix looked at one another with annoyance, finally remembering the real reason that they had been talking in the first place; Lucius' annoying obsession towards his pimp cane.

Bellatrix quickly reached down to pick up her wand, then leaned into her sisters ear. An act, which, of course, went unnoticed by Lucius who was too busy caressing his beloved cane once more. They sneakily crept up behind him. Holding onto each others hands, Bellatrix pointed her want to Lucius. _BAM! _Lucius was knocked to the ground, the two sisters disappeared without a trace.

"Are you okay, caney?" Lucius asked, still disoriented from the 'fall'.

He looked around, "Caney, caney!" His beloved cane was no where to be found. He crouched into a little ball and started to hyperventilate, rocking back and forth back and forth. _Where did Narcissa and that horrible skank Bellatrix take it?_ he asked himself. The door slammed opened. Half of him was expecting it to be his wife and horrible sister-in-law, smiling with his cane in their hands; but it was only Snape.

Snape took one look at Lucius disheveled figure. He shook his head. "I don't even want to know," and he stomped off in a huff. Lucius crawled his way into his bedroom, and collapse onto the floor in the fetal position. He broke down into tears, and cried his eyes out. He told himself that he would not come out until his beloved caney was returned to him.

* * *

**Far Far Away...**

* * *

Meanwhile, far _far _away, deep in some dark, deserted forest, lay Bellatrix and Narcissa unconscious on the cold forest floor. They had done everything in their knowledge and power to destroy that damned cane, but it was no use; nothing, absolutely _nothing _was working. Lucius had put hundreds of protective enchantments on the cane, making in impossible to harm.

Bellatrix's right arm was now completely black from all the scars that the cane had given. Her porcelain face, now bruised and bloodied. Narcissa looked very much like elder sister. Although, her leg had snapped in half. Once Bellatrix finally regained consciousness, she groaned. "I. Am. Going. To. Kill. That. Man!" she spat through gritted teeth.

Narcissa moaned. "Not if I do it first."

"Ugh. I give up," Bellatrix muttered with a sigh. "Let's just go."

Narcissa attempted to get up, her leg injury prevented it. She winced. "I can't. I think my leg is broken.

Bellatrix rolled her eyes. "You're a witch, dumbass," she said exasperatedly. "You can apparate."

"Oh. Right."

"One might think we weren't related at all," Bellatrix shook her head.

"I heard that," Narcissa snarled.

"Good!"

* * *

**At Malfoy Manor...  
**

* * *

All of the Death Eaters sat around the large dining room table at Malfoy Manor.

The Dark Lord sat impatiently at the head, glancing at his pocket watch. Everyone sat in silence waiting for the remaining Death Eaters to return from... wherever they went off to. _It's quite unlike Bellatrix to be late. Hell, she's always early. Lucius, I understand. He's such a pansy. But Bellatrix? Where could they be? _"All right," Lord Voldemort sighed. "Does _anyone_ know where they are?"

Everyone shook their heads 'no' in reply.

Suddenly, a loud _crash _echoed in the halls of Malfoy Manor. Bellatrix and Narcissa came flying down onto the top of the table. "Bloody fucking _hell, _Bellatrix!" Narcissa shouted, not noticing where they had landed.

"Don't get your panties in a twist, sis," she snapped back, with obvious annoyance in her voice.

Lord Voldemort cleared his throat in hopes of getting the attention of the two arguing sisters. But they seemed quite oblivious to everything that was going on around them, and continued to talk like they were the only two people in the room. "I am going to Crucio like there's no tomorrow!"

"And I'll be joining you!"

"And _I _would like to know what the bloody hell you two are going off about," he said impatiently. "And more importantly, I'd like to know where the hell you've been this whole time when you _knew _there was a meeting today."

Narcissa and Bellatrix, finally realizing their surroundings, blushed furiously. "My Lord, we uh..."

"Get off the table," he said firmly.

Bellatrix immediately followed the command her master had given her, and then took out her wand, "Mobilicorpus," she said. Narcissa's body floated off the table, and—"What are you doing?" asked Lord Voldemort. Bellatrix lost her concentration and Narcissa fell to the floor with floor with a loud _thump. _Narcissa swore loudly in return.

"Narcissa has broken her leg, My Lord," Bellatrix replied quietly, not looking into his eyes.

"Okay, what the bloody _hell _were you two doing?" he asked coldly, looking at the two of them like they were crazy.

"You see, My Lord—"

"Wait!" he interrupted. "Where's Lucius? I was under the impression he was with you."

Bellatrix was quite tempted to say that; if he had let her finish what she'd just been saying, he would know, but she knew better than to do such a thing. Frankly, no one seemed to let her finish her stories, but seemed quite keen on asking what she was just about to explain. "No, my Lord. He was not with us, in fact I'm not quite sure where he is right now."

Lord Voldemort looked to Narcissa. She shook her head. "No, I don't know either, My Lord," she replied. "The last time we saw him was earlier today when we took his ca—" Narcissa looked down, not wanted to finish her sentence, her face flushed.

"Continue, Narcissa," he replied calmly.

She continued to stare at the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in the world, so Bellatrix was forced to finish for her. "You see, My Lord, it all started earlier on today, when Narcissa was talking to Lucius. They somehow broke into a fight about him caring more about his 'pimp cane'," she said using air quotes around the two words pimp and cane. "Than her. She called it "just an object" and Lucius got upset. Then he started to scream at her, and she rushed out of the room. I had heard some of the conversation, and agreed completely with her and—"

"I still haven't heard where you went."

Bellatrix sighed, no one wanted to hear the full story. "We were in the forest, attempting to destroy that horrible cane of his."

Lord Voldemort gasped, and Bellatrix and Narcissa froze, afraid of what he might do to them. "And?" he asked hopefully.

"We couldn't," she said quietly.

Lord Voldemort sighed. "Bellatrix," he shook his head incredulously. "You were not _capable _of destroying this small cane!"

"Both of us tried extremely hard," she replied. Bellatrix raised her right arm, and pulled down her sleeve.

He looked confused. "You're showing me a shirt that you're wearing under your dress?"

"That is my arm, My Lord."

His eyes widened. "What is that?"

"That," she said. "Is: 'don't mess with mah pimp cane' imprinted in my arm so many times that it is completely black."

"Okay, okay... where is this so called demon 'cane' of his?" he asked.

Narcissa and Bellatrix exchanged glances between one another. Narcissa mouthed something along the lines of 'I thought you had it.' The two sisters looked at Lord Voldemort's disappointed look. Bellatrix face lit up, "I'll be right back," she said swiftly.

She quickly transported herself back into the forest where she had been just moment ago. She looked around for a couple of minutes, not being able to see the cane on the ground. After a few short moments, she had finally spotted it. She walked up to it, and was just about to pick it up when it disappeared.

She growled, her eyes darted behind her. There, stood Lucius with his wand—and cane—in his hand. He had a mad glare in his eyes; looking as if he were about to kill her right then and there.

He raised his wand, but Bellatrix merely laughed. "_You_? Kill me?" she cackled.

Lucius eyed her with disgust. She went around parading like she was the greatest most powerful witch in the entire Wizarding World. When in reality, she was merely a pawn in the Dark Lord's attempt to power, "You're not as powerful as you think, my dear Bellatrix."

She went into a fit of laughter, "And what? You, Lucius Malfoy, are more powerful than me? Is that what you think?" she asked with a wide sadistic smile on her face.

He growled, "Cruc—"

"Expelliarmus!" His wand dropped to the floor, "Did you _really_ think that you could beat me?"

Bellatrix was really starting to piss him off. He just wanted to go home, curl up to the nice warm fire in his bedroom, and cuddle with his cane. But, she wasn't letting him; she seemed to have the need to destroy his baby. But he would never let that happen.

"Accio cane!" she cried.

The cane fell out of his grip and flew into her hand."NO!" he screamed. He ran forwards in hopes of getting his beloved cane back before she dissaperated, but Bellatrix just stood there, with a big smile on her face.

It didn't take long to realize what she was doing. She was going to wait until he was inches apart from her, then would dissaparate before he even had the chance to do anything. He wasn't going to feed into her little game; he had a better idea.

He turned his back for a mere second, and to no surprise she dissaperated. But Lucius simply smiled, and walked to a nearby tree.

* * *

Bellatrix appeared back on top of the large dining room table at Malfoy Manor. "What the bloody hell took you so long?" he asked impatiently.

"I apologize, My Lord," she replied. "I ran into Lucius, but I managed to retrieve the cane with no trouble." She jumped off the table, landing gracefully, and held the cane tightly in her hand. She passed it to her Master, who stared at the small object with disbelief, wondering why one of the most powerful witches in the Wizarding world could not destroy such a small thing.

Then, Lucius appeared out of no where. Bellatrix cackled, "It's too late Lucius, say good-bye to your beloved cane."

Lucius stood there with pure anger on his face; why did they have to go hatin' on his pimp cane? Why? What did it ever do to them? Nothing! Nothing at all, was the answer. Lord Voldemort stared at the cane and starting waving his wand murmuring incantations under his breath. Lucius merely smirked because he knew that only he _could_ destroy the cane, and he, of course, would never do that.

Lord Voldemort sighed impatiently and rolled his eyes. But he seemed intent upon destroying it, and looked as if he wouldn't give up. This worried Lucius because Lord Voldemort was a fairly powerful Wizard, and he knew that even the hardest charms could be broken.

Suddenly the Darks Lords face erupted into a big smile, he took one look at the pimp cane and broke it in half.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Lucius cried, then broke down into tears.

"Calm down, Lucius," said Bellatrix firmly "It's just a cane. Yes, I said it, it's _just a cane_."

But as quick as he had started crying, he charged at her, grabbed her wand, and pinned her to the wall. And mind you, all of the Death Eaters were watching with mouths hung wide open with shock. "It. Is. _My._ Pimp. Cane." he whispered. And before anyone could do anything at all, he raised his wand and yelled, "Avada Kedavra!"

She fell immediately to the floor with a loud crash, a big sadistic smile forever imprinted on her face.

Bellatrix Black Lestrange was dead.

Everyone stared at Lucius with surprised expressions on their faces; none of them expected him to _kill _her. Maybe torture her, but definitely not kill her. Rudolphus stared at his wife for a while, then walked up to her. Surprisingly enough, he poked her a couple of times. When she didn't do anything, he walked to back to the large table and jumped on top of it.

He raised his wand, and out of nowhere, odd music that none of them have never heard of started to play.

_Ding Dong!_  
_The Witch is dead. _  
_Which old Witch? _  
_The Wicked Witch! _  
_Ding Dong! _  
_The Wicked Witch is dead._

Rudolphus started having his own dance party on top of the table. Many of the Death Eaters eyed him curiously, and one by one they started to join him. Until it was one big Death Eater Party. It was a joyous event; celebrating the death of Bellatrix.

Suddenly, the music stopped as quick as it came, "What are you doing?" asked Lord Voldemort.

"I'm free!" screamed Rudolphus with glee.

The Dark Lord paused, and then decided it was perfectly fine if the thought of his death of his wife made him happy as could be. He then played the music again. He jumped up onto the table and began to do the Macarana, and soon all the Death Eaters joined him.

_Fin. _

* * *

**Oh Voldie, you little stinker. **

**Hehehe. **

**Hope you enjoyed! :D**

_THE END!_


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